Reality has a way of crashing into your real life plans.

Truth is I hate where I am right now. Love my husband, love my kids (sometimes) but really truly hate where I am right now.

I have been so unhappy/depressed/ suffering from anxiety that I am honestly surprised my husband has stuck around for this bullshit.  The man has tried every angle to make me happy and to be understanding, but no dice.

This is on me.

This is on me to make the choice to actually be happy.  And the choice is hard.  It has to be right?  And I am sure it is for many many many people.  Cause happiness rides on money.  To continue doing what is making you miserable but support your family, or jump ship into a shark infested water that holds no promise of success.

Sigh.  I am almost at the point where I am ready to jump.  And the thing that makes it possible is family.  B is so tired of who I have become (raging crazy person who just really wants to crawl into bed and quit on everything, all the while not wanting to quit and prove everyone right)... But he is willing to do anything to get me happy again, part time job .... another part time job.... but hold on, lets not get crazy he is still hell bent on not shoveling snow.

Mom is coming to the rescue to, and Dad.  Having them a bit closer will help.

Fingers cross I will be brave enough to jump, and jump high enough that I will be able to bring happiness to others... (this is where there is foreshadowing and you remain intrigued by what this all means).

The house is coming along, don't ask about the bathroom, but the living room has made its way from a Smurf's blue to a nice charcoal gray with some lovely lighting accents.  Story and images developing.

Sorry for the long absence - life has just not going according to plan, and I am trying to pick myself up, dust myself off and figure out who the hell I really am.

Okay people.  I am back and with a bit more of a positive attitude...

Life was really getting me down and out for a while there and I just did not want to send that negativity out into the world, and because I really didin't want the world thinking I was a pity me person (even though I will throw myself some pretty awesome pity parties with some great sweats, alcohol and those fabulous churos from taco bell).

So yeah.  I have a few updates... The kitchen is almost complete and I am almost at the point of showing off some before and after pictures.

Emily is 4 and doesn't listen with the best of them.  Eli is now 18 months and still a beast and loves his daddy's tools and mom's shoes and blow dryer... to say he makes us laugh is an understatement.... However, I can honestly say he is the most whinny kid EVER.  Would love to say that this is just a faze but I am concerned it isn't and that I might end up locking myself in my room with a glass of wine...

Bryan has changed jobs - back to an IT Director role - which helps us financially but also stimulates/challenges him more than his previous job (which he still loves and misses).  I don't know how that man does it but life and jobs just seem to go his way.... I slightly hate him and am jealous of him - but he knows this - so no worries there.

Me- I am still battling it out.  Still dreaming of the dream job (Don't know if I ever mentioned it here, but I would love to own my own wedding boutique- more details later - promise).

But .... We are on to tackling more house projects and life is treating me a bit better - so look out for some new posts coming soon!

Last of the Cabinets

The last 4 of the cabinets are drying in my basement.

That is right.  Tomorrow they will be hung and I will be able to hid the chaos behind pretty Snow Storm White cabinets.

I am so ready for this project to be over.  Ready to enjoy.  And ready to take some pictures for you guys!

But wait!  There is that issue of the yellow table... and my sister's inability to keep red nail polish on her nails and not my table.  Might be a weekend project.

But none the less the cabinets and the pain in the ass part of the project is over!  Whoot Whoot!

Stay tuned!

Drunken Genius-ness

So my sister in her drunken genius-ness told me something along the lines of "This is not going to be your life in 5 years, this is just a moment" I am not sure if it was that well said, or if in my own drunkenness I made her sound that intelligent... but it stuck with me.

I am at a point in my life that I am completely overwhelmed, completely underwater and completely ready to throw in the towel.  I am exhausted. Phew.

But in all honesty, I hadn't taken a step back and looked at it that way at all. God.  She had a point.

So, now I am at the point where I have to decide what I am going to do, what I am going to put up with, what I can change and what I can't and where that leaves me.

Too much pressure! So we went to the Children's Museum today instead of making tough life decisions.  And Emily and Eli had their faces painted, Aunt Ellie had a great time too I think.

And on our way home we decided to stop by Anthropologie to check out the knobs again for my kitchen. Thank goodness I did!  Found the ones for me!

And as I am trying to scour their website for an image to show you guys ... it is not there... which makes me completely anxious, cause I need like 15 more, and this was going to be a slow going process of buying 2 at a time so it didn't hurt the pocket book all at once... but Karma has got to start swinging my way right?!?!?!?

Anywho... we bought two knobs and I am in love.

And then I swung into Menards to grab some more enamel paint to finish the rest of the cabinet doors (only 4 left) and the left over to do a desk and windowsill.  The win there was that I introduced Ellie to the mis-tint paint area and we scored the exact color she wanted to paint her room for $5 a gallon! Whoot Whoot!

I will be back to Mendards sometime soon for some Jackson Square yellow enamel paint due to my sister ruining my yellow kitchen table with bright red nail polish which bubbled up the paint and it pealed up to the primer.  Yeah.  I am telling you life owes me right now, but I handled it well and didn't make it a big deal since she had watched my kids all day - a long all day - 7 am to 7:30 pm.

So all in all things are sucking right now and so I am using all my creative energy to block it out and make my life at least look pretty - fake it till you make it right? Painting is therapeutic right?

All in all I have a few things to figure out.  And this is just a moment right?

I really hope my drunk sister is right.

It has been a tough little bit

So if you haven't noticed I haven't been blogging as much, and the reason for that is the fact that I don't want to be a Debby Downer.

But I am in such a funk right now that it is really hard for me to see the light at any tunnel let alone one, and let me add this small little disclaimer that I am well aware that there are many many many in this world that have it far worse than I do, and that is probably why I have avoided this type of post.

But here I am.  Realizing that my anxiety is completely out of control.  Tear are at a moments notice.  I want to escape from every moment of the day and I just can't so I have to just get through each one.  It is slowly tearing me down and I can't seem to get one foot going in the right direction for the next to follow.

And this is the hole I am in.  Am I really in it? No.  Can I fake my way out of it?  I hope so.  My new strategy is to try and get out every morning for a walk... just to clear my head which is my own worst enemy.  Next strategy is to start filling my head with all the good like things I am grateful for that I may take for granted, and things that I am actually good at, things that I did that may have helped someone else the previous day.

I pray that this helps me get out of the foggy mess I am in.

Another tactic I am going to start to try is to stop bitching and whining.  What is helping?  I have got to start doing things that are actually going to help me... like putting away laundry the moment it is done in the dryer, packing up the night before so I can get to work faster and in a better mood, cleaning off my desk at work so I don't feel like I am surrounded in chaos.

Sigh. Tomorrow is the start of the turnaround. Wish me luck.

A Double Birthday and a T-O-Double Dizzle

We had a great weekend.  Eli turned the Big 1 twice.... I will explain later, had a great birthday party down in Mankato and had a great time catching up with family we hadn't seen in quite a while (I am telling Eli that Aunt Mary and Uncle Steve flew in from South Korea just for him) and had a lovely time.

Then on Sunday I got the call from B.  He had to leave Saturday night to work on Sunday so he was home, he let Thomas the man cat out to do manly cat things and let Todd down into the basement to do private kitty things.  Sunday morning B found Todd curled up at the bottom of the stairs and thought Todd was up to his old tricks of always being where Bryan needed to walk or being "asking to be stepped on" as Bryan would say.  Except Todd didn't wake up or look at B when he called out the normal T-O- Double Dizzle. 

B did a great job of calling me and letting me know and found a great spot for him to be buried.  I am just heart broken and don't know what to do.  Bryan doesn't know what to do so he changes the subject.

He was just my special kitty.  He was mine.  He got jealous when I read books and didn't rub his ears.  He was just mine.  It always seemed like we were on the same team, trying to annoy Bryan.  Every morning Bryan would would put his feet down from the bed, there Todd would be.  Bryan would walk into the kitchen and Todd would be laying right where Bryan needed to go.  It was like his little mind game with B.

I knew he was sick from day one, but I was really hoping that we were the very very very select few to beat kitty cancer.  In a way we were, we beat it for a whole year.  Todd got his Christmas where he got to play with Christmas ornaments, he got to pounce after Thomas in the long grass, he was terrorized by a toddler and a 3 1/2 year old and loved unconditionally.  So in all honesty he lived a full kitty life... just not long enough for selfish me.

I miss him terribly and am crying enough to make my husband uncomfortable (I think my sister is close behind)  but it doesn't help when your smarter than smart child comes up with the brilliant idea that we need a magic blanket to fly up to the clouds to rescue Todd. Imagine me in the back seat, with two kids trying not to bawl when this little insight popped out of Emily's mind while Bryan and Ellie keep looking forward in an uncomfortable silence.  Yup.  And I am not even a cute crier.

So needless to say I am a little down.  I miss my Toddy.  And my child just told me to calm down and take a deep breath.  And another one.  And another one.  Gotta love her.

But back to Eli turning 1 twice!!! So Bryan and I had a hell of a start to our week, it was just a crap shoot from the start.  So Wednesday showed up, and I got up bright and early got my act together, picked out an outfit for Em and then went to get Eli ready.  I went to the closet got his Cupcake Happy Birthday Shirt and got the boy dressed like it was nobody's business. 

We smothered him with birthday kisses, took a few pictures, posted them on facebook stating that we had an "offical" one year old.  Then off he went with dad to daycare while I got Em ready. 

Then B came back to get us (day care is two blocks away and sometimes it is just a tad easier to get Eli out the door so everyone can get ready faster and easier).And off to daycare we went again.  As I walked Emily in, Renee apologized for missing Eli's birthday and that everything she had - said it was the 12th of July.

I said, it is.

She said that it was Wednesday the 11th.

She even had to show me the calendar.

The walk of shame back to the car to tell B what we did was dreadful.

I can't believe what we did.

 I had an email in my work inbox from my Mother informing me that my child's birthday was in fact the 12th not the 11th.  Thanks mom. 

The only saving grace was that we did it a day early, and that we actually knew what day our son was born on, we just got our actual days mixed up.  So my son turned 1 twice, I think this might just have to become a tradition, but at least it is a really good story to tell and it gave quite a few people a good laugh.

When I say I am not a perfect parent, I mean it.  But imperfections make perfect stories for therapy.



Meg

Rumor has it that my sister is moving up here to live in my basement.

I say rumor, because I am not sure.  She changes her mind 52 times, goes back on forth, creates huge obstacles in her mind that keep her in one spot..... but I think this time it might stick.

I am cautiously excited.  Okay, Okay I am totally thrilled to death.  I can't wait to have my partner in crime back.

However....

The whole basement thing has me a bit worried.  I don't think she is aware of what a disaster it is.  I am am not just talking about crap we are storing down there.  It is damp, walls are torn down, cinder block is exposed and the bathroom down there is use at your own risk.

So... I might be needing another visit from dad. 

But for now, Bryan and I have decided to move Eli to the "office/playroom" since his furniture is still small and we are in need of a "guestroom" and a bit larger room for Ellie.  It also finally forces us to finish that darn room.

But I am thinking Ellie really wants her own space.  So I guess the basement remodel will be starting soon.  And most likely will start with another dumpster and a few cans of Drylock.  Ellie better get ready for some work!!!

But yes I am thrilled.  I have missed her a lot.  Her humor is very much like mine, widely inappropriate, very sarcastic and bite-y but perfectly timed. 

And I can't wait to raid her wardrobe. Girl has a sick addition to Goodwill and actually comes out with some really winning pieces (when we were about 20/80% sure that she was coming up here, Bryan suggested I tell her that, crazy enough, Minneapolis has Goodwill locations here too! - He knows her so well).

I am also excited for my Mom & Dad, they miss her like crazy. 

Did I mention she is bring a dog as well?  Are we surprised?  Her name is Mya - she is part beagle, part basset-hound... so she is a bagel.  And she is old, and that is why she made her way into Ellie's heart.  My sister has a bad habit of visiting the local shelter weekly... Mya was there for quite a while, and no one was adopting her.  Her owner I believe passed and her and her brother were surrendered, brother was adopted she was not.  When she was finally adopted she was brought back.  Ellie fell for the dog.  Mya now lives the good life with Ellie and will now be living the good life we Bryan and I.

Bryan has already questioned Ellie and I's judgment in dogs....

    There was Sasha (the oldie in the background) and then there is Burnie who lives with Grandma Barb since she has more land to run on...

And then there is Mae Mae (Ellie stole this dog - for reals - but she was malnourished and slightly abused - so we will give Ellie a pass on this) and she lives with Burnie out at Grandma Barb's as well.  As you can see they are sweet loving dogs that don't tear up the house at all.  

So Bryan may have a point... however I know Emily will love to have a dog around, Todd & Thomas not so much but they will survive...

I can't wait!!!